This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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