Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
