I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
