Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
