Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
