Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
