Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
