you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
birth control should be required to get into college
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
