I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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