just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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