just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
