Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
