Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
