I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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