hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
