He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
