I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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