Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize