you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
