my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
