Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
