Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
