I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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