In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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