I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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