Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
