you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
