Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
