Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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