I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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