Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
