Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
