come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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