watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
