Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
