i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Randomize
