Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
