Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
