Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
