I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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