From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it because I queefed?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
FUCK WHALES
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
