Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
