Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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