The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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