OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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