i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
