I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
