my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
