I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Houston, we have a squirter
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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