When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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