well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
