Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
