Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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