Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
