I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
