I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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