I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
last night I used snow as a chaser
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
