Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
