I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
