Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
