I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
