if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
