Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
