Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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