I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
