Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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