When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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